1. Your desk and what it says about you

Management can get away with having a clean desk, whereas for the rest of us, it looks like we haven’t been working very hard. So build huge piles of documents on your desk and around your workstation. To most of your colleagues, last year’s stuff looks much like this year’s stuff – so it’s volume that counts, not quality. Pile them high and wide and, if you see somebody approaching your workstation, bury the document you pretend you’ll need halfway through a big stack of stuff and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

2. Using files and documents effectively

People with files and documents in their hands look like hard-working employees headed for important meetings, whereas people with nothing in their hands look like they’re headed for the cafeteria. (People with a newspaper in their hands are usually headed for the toilet). So make sure you always carry loads of stuff around, particularly when you’re leaving each night, so you’ll create the impression that you work much longer hours than you really do.

3. Your computer and how it can work for you

To the casual observer, any time you’re using your computer, it looks like work. But you can send and receive personal e-mails and chat, surf the net and generally laze about without necessarily doing anything related to work. These certainly aren’t the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution had in mind, but hey!! And when you are sprung by your boss, simply claim that you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving your division valuable training dollars.

4. Yes… the office voicemail can be your friend

Never answer your phone if you have voicemail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want you to do something for them. That’s no way to live (or work). So screen all your calls through your voicemail. If somebody leaves a voicemail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during their lunch hour or RDO, when you’re certain they won’t be there. It gives the impression that you’re hardworking and conscientious, while they’re slacking.

Always remember - it’s perception that counts, not reality. Perfecting genuinely “productive” workplace deception is an art, and it will probably be many years before you achieve anything like acceptable outcomes and levels of proficiency. But you must never give up. By choosing to pursue a career in the public service, you have chosen the ideal training ground.

© 1998 Australian Public Service Employee Training Manual